Oh joy, a hat trick

Dear Sabres,

Well, that was a hot mess.  But the thing is,  I was thinking you had a chance of pulling it off until the final buzzer…  so I guess that must say something good about you guys.  (Or something bad about my stupid, crushing optimism.)  I’m just going to shake my head and console myself with Vanek heating up and with Timmyho’s new point streak, which will be sadly interrupted by the Olympic break but will make up for it by extending into April AT LEAST.

Dear Sidney Crosby,

Oh behalf of Ryan Miller, “You’re welcome.”  I don’t recommend trying to look him in the eyes right now.  Your head might explode.

Um, no thank you

Dear Our New Bills Coach Whatshisface Chan Gailey,

Really? Because he was so very useful to the Eagles this season? Michael Vick is an overrated one-trick pony, and that should be enough to dismiss him without even getting into his extracurricular activities. (However… I remember that a few months ago when Buffalo had its last go-round with Vick speculation, Adam Mair was placed on waivers. It was a dark few days for puppies in WNY, but considering Mair’s frequent and frequently triumphant return to the Sabres lineup, they can woof easier. For now.)

And in case you were wondering, I’m not sold on Football Jesus, either.

Dear Ales Kotalik,

If you want to pull through this with any scrap of your dignity, you’re going to have to give in and just let the Rangers deal you somewhere – anywhere. If it really is the Flames, you could do a hell of a lot worse, present difficulties aside. Let’s face it, you’ve been pretty stinky this season.

p.s. If it’s any consolation, I still find your accent excessively foxy.

Dear Ryan ‘Crunchy’ Miller,

I made homemade granola this afternoon. If that doesn’t inspire you to shutout the Pens in their own building tonight, I don’t know what will.

2nd period intermission edit:  Okay, okay, no granola.  I read you loud and clear, Crunchy.  Yeesh.  Yogurt covered raisins only from now on.

EC, brace thyself for the Toronto juggernaut

Dear Maple Leafs,

What an exciting day for you!  The Northeast Division – nay, the whole Eastern Conference is surely quaking in its collective boots right now.  If your woes can’t be solved by an aging, under-performing, over-demanding goaltender then nothing can.  And Phaneuf?  Perfect.  You guys don’t have a captain yet, do you?  Well, you do now.  And you only had to lose half the team for it.

I’m guessing no one from Anaheim has actually seen Toskala play.  That, or Hiller’s batteries are even more rechargeable than Marty Brodeur’s.

Dear Furrycanes,

Kudos for passing the basement torch to the Oilers – and for doing it with such aplomb. 5-1 against the Bruins?  Hilarious.  5-1 against the Rangers?  Awesome.  4-1 on the Islanders?  Charming.  Plucky.  4-2 against Chicago?  Um…  unexpected.  Good for you guys – and is Eric Staal the latest edition of Captain Fuck This Shit?  Also unexpected.

p.s.  Pull something like that against the Sabres and you can wave farewell to any good feelings I may harbor towards you.

Dear Hockey Gods,

Why does it seem like you are refusing to let the Senators lose ever again?  I strongly disapprove – unless this is the only way to achieve the karmic balance necessary for the Sabres to beat Ottawa on Wednesday (and again, and again, as long as they both shall live.)  Anything else would be a cosmic injustice.

Dear Broadcast Squad,

What were you guys on Friday night?  Harry and RJ (Welcome back!  We missed you so much!!) were yammering on very excitedly about Tyler Myers being but a baby NHLer with a lot of growing left to do and then Rob Ray burst in with something about rabbits.  Rabbits.  Rabbits?? I have no idea what to make of that.

Dear Sabres,

It is very weird to have you off all weekend – though probably a good thing since you had no break after getting back from the West Coast and you’re playing 4 in 6 again starting tomorrow.  I bet you had fun this weekend.  I hope you had fun.  I hope you didn’t have too much fun.

RIP, Tim Connolly Point Streak

*sob*

I’m especially crushed he didn’t manage to beat CoreyPerry.  Oh well – tomorrow night sounds like a good time to embark upon a new streak, eh Timmy?

Other notes from the bright side:  Jochen Hecht is never blowing a shootout again!

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK

Dear Canucks,

I like spunky little Mason Raymond (who surely must be on the Crunchy diet) and since I am a girl, and not ashamed of it, I like spending stoppages in play ruminating whether he, Tanner Glass, Steve Bernier, or Shane O’Brien has the prettiest eyes.  I do not like greasy, overrated goaltenders (yeah, I said it), weirdo codependent Swedish twins, or complete bullhonky cross-checking calls on a certain beloved player that erases a lovely shorthanded game-tying goal.  And that’s all I have to say about that.

(Except yay Adam Mair!  And Staffy, please tell me you didn’t catch anything from the furries.)

I don’t know what I was thinking

Dear Tim Connolly,

Sorry for the confusion, but obviously Staffy is my favorite Sabre.

Well, it could be worse

Letters to the NHL would like to formally apologize to its readership of six (too high?) for its conspicuous absence.  Headquarters has been relocated 75 miles east…  with its parents.  Management is understandably thrilled to bits by this development, which was brough upon by events both unforseeable (ex getting confused about which girl he meant to marry) and totally forseeable (management um, running out of money.)  Normal operations will resume shortly once a reliable internet connection is up and running, as LttNHL’s father works at home and is the occupant of a desk so precariously untidy that even his famously messy daughter can only tolerate it for brief intervals.

As for the hockey news during my absence…  rough week.  The Phoenix game was fun, the Ducks game was entertaining despite its miserable open and close, and I am delighted that Lindy communicated to Tim Kennedy that I’ve put him on probation.  And Tim Connolly is my favorite Sabre.  On the other hand, Monty is on probation now, Goose appears to be broken at faceoffs, the Blackhawks discovered that the Senators are mean and scary (note to Blackhawks broadcast squad:  I’ll let this slide because you don’t see Ottawa a lot, but here’s some advice for next year – just because Chris Neil is an asshole doesn’t mean you need to laud him for being tough;  it just means he’s an asshole), the Sabres are never going to win a shootout again, and my attempt to simultaneously watch both the Sharks-Sabres and Blackhawks-Canucks was simply not worth the trouble, the latter game being particularly gross.  (Sabres-Sharks at least was fun for awhile, but I got too sleepy.)  And Tim Connolly is still my favorite Sabre.

But at least they didn’t drop a 1-5 game to the Furrycanes.

Dear weekend WGR Broadcast Squad,

As I am still commuting to my job in Buffalo, I caught some talk Saturday morning about picking up a stud to help the Sabres offense.  I was delighted that this conversation did not involve Kovalchuk, for once.  But oh, boys, you can’t tease me like that.  What would the Sabres have to do to get Patrick Sharp?  It doesn’t matter, because it’s not going to happen.  Got it?

Not cool, Sabres

Dear Sabres,

First of all – Crunchy, you’re dismissed.  I’ve got no problem with you tonight.  But you might want to buy your new BFF the goalpost a drink or three.  As for the rest of you – siddown.

We need to address this rumor about the penalty box.  I’m not going to ask who started it (Staffy) because I don’t need to know (Staffy).  But before we can move on I do need those of you who fell for it to please inform the rest of the class that there is in fact no porn and no beer in the penalty boxes of Nassau Coliseum, Philips Arena, or any other NHL venue.  On a related note – I’m so sorry we’re not allowed to have Ice Girls at HSBC Arena.  You guys must know we can’t afford the lawsuits (Timmyho).  You can drop the act, boys.  Surely you can’t expect me to believe you guys have never before seen a bunch of girls who forgot to put their pants on.  (Except Myers.  He is waaaay too young for that.)  HEY!!!  I said EYES UP!

Timmy K – One more dumb penalty and you’re fired.  Also, get booted off a faceoff again and you’re fired.  Sorry, pumpkin, but I’m getting sick of this shit.

Timmyho – Good for you keeping the streak alive.  Are you growing a point-streak beard?  Just wondering.  I’m also glad your face is still intact.  I was driving home during the second period and began cursing a blue streak when Kylvester said you got whacked.  You are a very useful but also very stressful player to have around.

Tallyho – I don’t know if you just did it for the porn, but regardless, I completely approve of your penalty.  If there was anything this game needed more of, it was punching “roughing”.  Where were the rest of you effers when Crunchy was getting jammed?  (For the record, I’d have preferred punching.  I certainly could have punched someone.)

Kaleta – Keep it up, kid, you’re doing great.  That retaliatory hit you took should’ve been a penalty.  I’m also okay with Grier, Timmyho, Tallyho, Staffy, Hecht, Pomerdoodle, and (unbelievably) Roy.  Everyone else needs to try extra hard to win my love back on Monday.

Okay, everyone hand in your phones, video games, and ipods.  You will be frisked on the way out.  Timmy K, Macarthur, Roy, Connolly, Hecht, and Goose are all going back to the ice to work on not fucking up their faceoffs.  The rest of you can go to your rooms and think about what you’ve done.

See you Monday!

Stud of the Game:

Look who’s all grown up

Eat it, Dirt Birds

Dear Patrick Kaleta,

I owe you a massive apology.  Your ever-increasing antsiness to return to the lineup had me all but convinced that you’d be back out in a flash with either an injury or a suspension.  Well, Kallision, thanks for letting me know what I’m full of.  You showed us you can play your Kaletaesque game without either of those things happening, and your only participation in the penalty-box parade was to open the door for the Thrashers.  You’ve given us a hell of a lot more than we bargined for this year, kid.  Now don’t let me down.

Dear Rick Jeanneret,

Goodness knows you deserve your vacation, and no disparagement is meant for your replacements, but I think my withdrawal symptoms started yesterday.  I hope you enjoy your break, but I know I won’t.

"Rawr!"

Patrick "Crunchy" Bateman

Four day break?

Dear Sabres Media Department,

How many months have you been sitting on this?  Come on.  Tyler Meyers still doesn’t know if he’s going back to Kelowna and Tim Kennedy is still wearing his call up number.  And another suggestion – if someone can’t be assed to type out all FOUR letters of ‘your’ his question doesn’t deserve to be dignified with a response.

Dear Steve Montador,

I really, really didn’t need to know how many teeth you’ve lost.  But since you thought I did, thank you for being so forthcoming, I guess.  Except not really.

Dear Jason Pominville,

Thanks for loving Buffalo restaurants. No one else seems to know, but this town has great eats that have nothing to do with chicken wings.

Dear Adam Mair,

I am incredibly amused by the difference in the quality of the questions to you, and say, Tim Kennedy.  I’m not sure if it’s in deference to the fact that you often seem like one of the more cerebral guys in the room, or merely because the myspace generation doesn’t care much about you (don’t feel bad).  I am devastated by this edition of Mair’s office.  I cook with butter um, a lot.  I also have a habit of making elaborate desserts that could send someone into cardiac arrest.  I’ll never cut it as a hockey player’s wife.  (Unless it’s as Ryan Miller’s wife, in which case I’d probably earn myself a key to the city by cooking my way though – and feeding him – the complete works of Julia Child.  But Crunchy scares me, so sorry, WNY.)

Dear Brian Campbell,

Aww, Soupy, good job!  (And in case you were wondering, as long as you stay on my good side, you get to be filed as a Blackhawk and not as an Ex.  Yippee!)

Dear Devils & Rangers,

WHAT THE FUCK was that???? I really, really wish I could’ve watched or at least listened to this game.  Alas.  How can New Jersey be accused of being too trappy?  That game had 96 shots on goal.  Marty gets stud of the game yet again.  (Sorry, Lundquist, Rangers don’t get stud awards or construction paper hearts.  Ever.  I have my standards.)

Dear Sabres & Blackhawks,

You’re really telling me that neither of you play again till Thursday?  Bullhonky.